


They'll be Fine

by drpepperdiva91



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Being Bisexual is hard, Coming Out, Frustration, Jack is bisexual, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 06:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10155788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drpepperdiva91/pseuds/drpepperdiva91
Summary: Still, he feels out of place. He finds a girl and they go on a few dates; Shitty walks in on them in bed once and is exuberantly welcoming (which creeps the girl out a little more than Jack thinks Shitty intended). When he walks down the sidewalk holding her hand, he feels a little like an imposter. Like he’s taking the easy way out. Like he wishes he could have done this with Parse. Like he doesn't deserve to feel safe just for letting people assume he's what they want him to be.---Jack is bi, and it's complicated.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Check, Please! belongs to Ngozi.
> 
> This fic inspired by a post on the blue hell site that I'd link to, but I'm on my phone.
> 
> Apologies for grammar. Again, on my phone.
> 
> Content warnings for:  
> -Jack dealing with internalized shit about sexuality  
> -Jack exhibiting some negative self talk  
> -People being rude about bisexuality

The first time someone tells him he can’t call himself gay, of course it’s Parse. Parse who calls himself gay, who calls his cat gay, who says he’s gay for Britney Spears even though she’s a woman and Parse is definitely not.

Jack doesn’t quite remember what they were even talking about, but since it involved the two of them, it quickly devolved into an angst-ridden teenage snarl-fest full of supportive and wholesome tidbits such as:  
  
“Okay so you can be gay for your fucking cat, who is a different species, who you haven’t even adopted yet, but I can’t be gay for a hot guy from a movie?! What the actual fuck?”   
  
and

“It would all be so much easier if you would just stay on Team Vag, Zimms! You don’t have to come out! You get to choose! Choose the right fucking team, for once in your life, Zimms.”

and  

“This is not about _you_ being _scared_ of the NHL.”

and

“All’s I’m saying is don’t use my word, Zimms. It’s fine, everything’s fine, can you please start fucking breathing again now, for the love of God?”

Which is fine, Jack thinks, after a while once he calms down again. Parse does have a point. Jack could be happy with a woman, he thinks. He’ll choose the right team.

 

\---

 

If not gay, then what? became the question Jack asked himself, turning to the internet like anybody else his age would do. The internet, in its infinite wisdom, told him that since he likes guys and he likes women, he’s bisexual. He thinks he already knew that, but it’s nice to see it reinforced in writing.

There’s some more information about people who are on different parts of the gender spectrum and that’s all a little above his head right now, so he skips over it. People are people, as far as Jack is concerned. He found his word. He likes his word, it makes sense, and there are other people like him. So that’s that. Time to tell Maman.

Maman does not react the way he expects. He knows she had no problem with him and Parse (well... aside from the fighting and the manipulating and the drugs, but the part about Parse being a guy was never the problem). He thinks this will go mostly the same; he’ll tell her, she’ll say she loves him, and then they’ll move on.

He feels a swooping sensation in his gut, like he’s missed a step, when she says,  
  
“Sweetie, I know it must be terrifying to think about your future in the NHL with everything that happened between you and Kenny, but bisexual? That’s just what people say when they can’t make up their minds. You don’t have to come out. You don't have to make excuses to me and your father if you want to have a girlfriend to keep people out of your business. You can wait until you retire. Your father knows guys who’ve done that. Nobody is expecting anything from you, remember.”

He stares blankly back at her for a few seconds before he says, “Huh. Okay.”

Jack excuses himself to his room upstairs, where he lays down and wonders what the fuck he’s done so wrong in a past life to end up the way he is. Bisexual is a thing, isn't it? It's in the acronym. It's got to be a thing. A real thing that real people feel. Right? Isn't it?

Jack doesn't know. He misses Kenny. He misses the pills. He misses hockey.

Maman comes upstairs with a snack later, and he feels alone even when she sits on the edge of his bed, rubbing her hand up and down between his shoulder blades, the way she used to when he was sick as a little boy.

 

\---

 

Later he decides he’s not really interested in picking any teams besides a hockey team. He’s got another three years before it gets serious, but he knows people are watching his NCAA stats even during his frog year.

Still, he feels out of place. He finds a girl and they go on a few dates; Shitty walks in on them in bed once and is exuberantly welcoming (which creeps the girl out a little more than Jack thinks Shitty intended). When he walks down the sidewalk holding her hand, he feels a little like an imposter. Like he’s taking the easy way out. Like he wishes he could have done this with Parse. Like he doesn't deserve to feel safe just for letting people assume he's what they want him to be.

Eventually, he talks to Shitty about it. He’s not going to call himself gay; he has a girlfriend. He’s not going to call himself bi, because people have all sorts of opinions about that, too. But he’s not straight; he doesn’t feel straight even when he walks down the street with a girl, and he knows Shitty will get that. The guy’s majoring in gender studies, for fuck’s sake.

He’ll get it. Shitty will get it, Jack tells himself, over and over again for two weeks before he manages to get enough of a contact high to bring it up.

He’s really glad for that contact high when it turns out Shitty doesn’t get it, because he doesn’t have his anxiety meds anymore, and thinking about everyone telling him how to feel about his feelings makes his heart race a little.

To his credit, after Shitty tells him “I’m pretty sure ‘queer’ is a slur, bro, so maybe we shouldn’t use that one,” he gives Jack a hug that turns into a cuddle, apologizes on behalf of all straight people for heteronormativity, and tells Jack that he’ll always be Jack’s bro no matter who he loves or what he calls himself. He tells Jack that he's safe, he's okay, he's allowed to be upset. He thanks Jack for trusting him.

Jack decides language is stupid, but Shitty is an overall great friend.

 

\---

 

Their sophomore year, Shitty explains to Jack why the gender binary is bullshit. Jack still isn't sure he _entirely_ gets it, but he thinks he understands more than he did than when he read about it online a few years ago.

At the very least, he finally understands what “pansexual” means. He says as much to Shitty, and they're having an OK conversation about it until one of the guys from the team passes by Jack’s room, and calls them a couple of “biphobes."

Jack looks that up online, since he honestly isn't even sure if it's a real word. He finds a bunch of people arguing about whether bisexuals can be attracted to people outside of the gender binary, or whether there should even be another term when so many bisexual people would also fall under the pansexual umbrella, and it's enough to give him a tension headache.

“Why can't people just call themselves what they want to call themselves and everybody else minds their own business? I don't even know own what half of these words would be in French.”

“Yeah, man. It's kind of exhausting actually.”

“You're exhausted?! Try coming out to somebody who thinks your identity is imaginary. Try that person being your _mom_. Or somebody telling you you're phobic of yourself. Or your straight bro complaining about you reclaiming a slur that was never used against him. Try dealing with all this language bullshit in your fucking _second_ language, UGH, SHITTY, this is BULLSHIT!”

“Oh, shit. Jack. Brah. I'm so sorry. Fuck, I don't even use my brain sometimes, do I?”

“No, Shitty, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just-”

“Nah, brah, I have been an asshole and you don't need to make excuses for me. I'm sorry.”

“It's fine, Shits. It’s not all on you. I'm just tired of it. It's not like I can actually come out, anyway, eh? Not with the NHL.”

“You can do what you want, Jack. Do what makes you happy.”

“Hockey makes me happy. Usually.”

“Then play hockey, brah. The rest will come.”

 

\---

 

The rest comes. It's name is Eric Richard Bittle, and it curls up in a ball on center ice during practice, it sings Beyoncé in the shower, it makes pies appear out of thin air, and he realizes he's in love with it while he's still wearing his graduation robe.

He almost missed it.

They talk a lot, over Skype and text and sometimes even in person, after the kiss that Bitty still swears nearly sent him straight into cardiac arrest. They talk about a lot of things, but Bitty never asks Jack how he identifies, outright. Bitty never assumes, either, and never calls Jack gay. Jack isn't sure how he got so lucky.

Part of him is terrified to mention anything about his bisexuality, even if he doesn't say the word. This thing he has with Eric is new, and scary, and nobody has ever reacted well in the past. So he leaves it.

They talk about their past relationships, and Jack watches Bitty close when he mentions not only _dating_ girls but having _sex_ with them- and he's relieved when the only negative thing Bitty has to say is about his own lack of experience.

Still, though, Jack doesn't say it. He very carefully never refers to himself as bi, and especially not gay, or pan, or queer. Bitty never presses him, even though Jack's heard Bitty call himself gay and queer interchangeably, and on a fairly regular basis, at that.

The closest Bitty ever gets to mentioning Jack’s orientation is when he's prepping Jack for his first trip to Georgia for the 4th of July.

“...and, ya know my parents don't know I'm gay, Jack, and we can't let on about anything between us. I mean, maybe they suspect, just about my whole high school did, and they know about some of the bullying. But it's not discussed. Or, at least, not discussed with any sorta tact. Or kindness. It's really just best to be as far in the closet as possible, 'round these parts, and I'd venture to say the same goes for you, okay honey?”

Jack doesn't really answer because he’s busy watching Bitty look away from the camera, put his forehead in his hands, and try not to cry.

“...Bits? It's alright, I'll be fine. We’ll be fine. Are you okay?”

Bitty doesn't look back at the camera, but he does nod, and finds his voice again fast enough to say, “It's actually really not alright, sweetpea. But you're right, we’ll be fine. You're good at foolin’ straight and I'm good at bribing with sweets. Right?”

When Bitty does finally raise his face back to the camera with that last word, looking to Jack for some reassurance with a watery, brave smile, Jack has to admit, he agrees.

It's not alright.

They'll be fine.

 


End file.
